The past couple of months have been very tough. Circumstances seemed to mount up and overwhelm me. There were a lot of tears and a lot of wondering whether God was listening and why I couldn't hear from Him. I was reading His Word (I needed it to get through each day), but in general nothing jumped out and grabbed me.
Recently things came to a head. It was a very tough week where I had to deal with a stalker as well as ringing the pastor of my first home church telling him that I had made a mistake leaving and wanted to return. A lot got resolved and then I took a blow that knocked me off my feet. In the past, I have felt pain like a knife being torn through my heart. This time, it felt like a rapier piercing my heart- a blade that was sharp but clean. I couldn't understand why I was still in so much pain. It was only last night that God showed me a bigger part of the picture than I had been able to see before. Things started to make sense.
I was driving home after a night out with the girls (karaoke!). I was crying and telling God that I was aching and I knew that He was the only one who could meet that need, sooth that ache. I told Him that I didn't know what to pray, only that His will be done. Out of the blue, for the first time in a long time, I heard His voice. He didn't speak about my circumstances or the future or His purposes for me. He reassured me,
"I love you very much". I repeated it after Him,
"You love me very much?"
"I love you very much. I have never left you and I never will." I thought of the people who I felt let down by, who I felt had abandoned me.
"You'll never leave me?"
"I'll never leave you." I repeated these truths over and over to myself, allowing them to sink into my heart, like seeds into the soil of my heart. Today it struck me.
It wasn't a rapier that pierced my heart, it was God's dibber making a hole in the soil of my heart, making room for those two seeds to be planted. My heart was hardened from pain and my unwillingness to let anyone it. I was holding up my circumstances as a shield between me and God, not letting Him come in. It took something sharp to pierce through my defenses and plant those two seeds.
Now that the seeds have been planted, I can water them and allow them to grow, blossom and bear fruit. They will not be taken away. The revelation that God loves me very much and that He will never leave me cannot be taken away, it is embedded in my core being, planted in my heart.
What I thought was a painful moment, something meant to hurt me, God meant for good. What I thought was destructive was used to be creative, generative, an opportunity for comfort and growth.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Posted by Handmaiden of Adonai at 9:55 PM