Memories of the past year (good, bad and indifferent) were flying around my mind and after a session of praise and worship I elected to stay behind and make lunch while the others went out on the street. I told the pastor who owns the house that I was able to deal with food today, but not people. He understood what I meant and came back a few hours later to help me. I chopped carrots and potatos and mushrooms for stew- 4 pots full- and just mulled over things. I remembered where I was on this day last year and it was a good day, a really good day! But a lot of things change in a year and here I was chopping vegetables.
I left Belfast when the stragglers started tucking into their stew. I didn't talk much on the way back, I just wondered why I had gone in the first place, apart from making lunch what was the point of me being there? I was frustrated and lonely and depressed and to top it all I was angry that I couldn't seem to get past the frustration and loneliness and depression. After dropping my passenger home I drove to the chipper, bought dinner, sat in the car eating it, crying and shouting at God.
I was still discouraged this morning when, having driven to college relatively on time I still managed to miss three lectures. Then I came across a post on sanctification in a blog I'd never read before. The poster describes how his definition of sanctification had changed over the years as he saw that he wasn't able to live up to his original definition. Here are the two definitions he writes in the post:
I would have agreed with the first definition a few years ago, but now the second definition describes me much, much better. I find myself being broken more and more often, not whole; recognising my weaknesses and failings, not growing in strength; moving towards God because I have nowhere else to go. I'm not resentful about this, it's just that nothing else satisfies. Sometimes I turn to God to complain about this but at the end of the day I'm moving towards Him and not away from Him. Thank God for that.
1. Sanctification n. The state of experiencing growth that is measured by becoming more Christ-like. Interpretation: You are getting better and better. You are not as mean as you were before. You don’t complain as much. You have a better outlook on life. You are never depressed. Your problems are dealt with in a more mature manner: you know, the way Christ dealt with them. Oh, and you also have more figured out than you did before.
2. Sanctification n. The process of Christian development that has more to do with how dependent you have become on the Lord, not necessarily about being “good.” Sanctification has more to do with how often you are broken before him, not your stoic ability to deal with pain. Sanctification has more to do with a recognition of your weaknesses than of your strengths. Sanctification has more to do with repentance than with the things that don’t require repentance. In the end, sanctification amounts to the progressive movements you make toward the side of God because you have no where else to go.
I haven't been magically fixed by reading the article but it helps just to know that someone else understands where I'm at. That means more to me right now than hard and fast answers, knowing that someone else can relate to me where I'm at. Hallelujah!